bai’s Weblog

goodbye sweethearts
Disyembre 9, 2007, 5:11 umaga
Filed under: death, love

losing someone is part of a test. When my lola died almost three years passed due to liver complications and that was really unexpected. i felt guilty and i partly blamed my self. i have a feeling that God punished me because i am such an idiot human being. i always despised rules. i am a big shit with no respect to the higher entity. if only i becme good christian then maybe i could not see her in bad ass situations- lying in bed, getting thinner each day, slowly breathing with the help of the oxygen. her condition was really so unbearable to see yet she still had this heart to smile and to greet her visitors. amazing.. 

the doctor said she had 2 remaining months to live and alas miracle happened! two months paased by, she was still alive and kicking but on february 12 God decided to take her life. it was painful and sad because i lost my grandma, the only person who gave me soo much love and comfort.

her death really was became an eye opener to me that in this world nothing is certain. Hate and anger have no rooms in our heart because to live is uncertain. i started to value my life then..livingmy life to the fullest..

but a year before her death, i already lost someone that i love. the only person who became my source of strengh. let me call her bebe. i dont want to think that i was the direct cause of bebe’s death. but true, you could blame me for all that shit. i was dating a person at bos coffee shop when bebe saw me. the scene was i was having  a good time with my date and with full of smiles all over my face. and it really broke bebe’s heart.  while bebe was on the car, bebe called up. bebe asked me why i was on a date which in fact we should go to meet bebe’s parents.

i wanted to explain my side but bebe was becoming emotional coz for the nth time i committed infidelity. the last sentence that i have heard from bebe was”i love you”. three simple words but it melt my heart. that was the first time that ive heard from bebe that words cz we dont really use that word kasi its soo baduy..di na uso! i made several calls to feel sorry for what i did but the phone just kept on ringing. i was really felt guilty then until such time someone called me and relayed the bad news. bebe died!

i was fuckn shocked to the news and i was confused of what shud i do. I could’nt call my friends and family because it would only result to another problems. I called up bebes family and they told me the cause of my bebe’s death. Ya right! because of me my bebe died. I wont give the details of my bebe’s s death to avoid any violent reactions and false judgment on me. my bebe’s family wanted everything to be secret and to avoid intrigues from other people. i was very happy that they decided not to talk about bebe’s death. Until now i really cant forgive myself of what had happened.

letting go is a process…

to be continued


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Mag-iwan ng puna

ohhh my. i got teary-eyed sa story.
bebe died?
it must have been very hard on your part..


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